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Lucy Franklin, C.P.A.C.
Hi!
Welcome To BirthmothersUnite.com! This site was created to help us connect together and provide information on birthmother issues. Grab yourself a cup of coffee or tea and explore our site. I am sure you will find lots of information that can help you in your journey as what I like to call An Angel Bringer of Life.
Sincerely, Lucy Franklin C.P.A.C.
Be sure to sign our guestbook before you leave. Also, I would love for you to submit your poetry and or testimony via email it to birthmothers@aol.com
P. S. If I can be of help to you please feel free to contact me.
Daily Tip:
Volunteer! Get Involved! What you give you get back! The rewards of volunteer work is out of this WORLD!
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THE ANSWER (TO AN ADOPTED CHILD)
Not flesh of my flesh
Nor bone of my bone,
But still miraculously
My own.
Never forget
For a single minute:
You didn't grow under my heart
But in it.
~ Fleur Conkling Heyliger
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Find Your Wings - Mark Harris Artist
It's only for a moment you are mine to hold
The plans that heaven has for you
Will all too soon unfold
So many different prayers I'll pray
For all that you might do
But most of all I'll want to know
You're walking in the truth
And If I never told you
I want you to know
As I watch you grow
Chorus:
I pray that God would fill your heart with dreams
And that faith gives you the courage
To dare to do great things
I'm here for you whatever this life brings
So let my love give you roots
And help you find your wings
May passion be the wind
That leads you through your days
And may conviction keep you strong
Guide you on your way
May there be many moments
That make your life so sweet
Oh, but more than memories
Chorus:
It's not living if you don't reach for the sky
I'll have tears as you take off
But I'll cheer as you fly
Chorus
*The 5 Stages of Reunion*
From the book "BIRTHRIGHT," by Jean A.S. Strauss
1.) FANTASY:
This begins at a very young age for the adoptee. Fantasies are hard to avoid when there's so little info to go on; some are positive, some negative. Fantasies are not limited to the adoptee; bmoms have them. Conscious awareness of fantasies are limited and may not surface until long after reunion is underway.
Key: Fantasies are forever changed and altered by the realities of stage #2....First Encounters.
2.) FIRST ENCOUNTERS:
Every encounter is different; most are civil; it's a highly charged time of massive amounts of shared information; questions are finally answered; people ride on a euphoric high for days or weeks or months; but after all the questions are answered, then what? Who are we to each other? Where do we go from here? How do I incorporate you into my life? The third phase of the reunion begins with these questions.
3.) THE MORNING AFTER:
First encounters can be super intimate, but when everything settles down, bfamily members can find themselves feeling as if they've just slept with a total stranger. In the roller coaster ride analogy, this is the *big drop down* and is unexpected. Bfamily members are blood relations, but socially and experientially strangers to each other. Differences are discovered and magnified (backgrounds, memories, values, religions, beliefs, etc.). This stage can have varying lengths depending on the individuals involved. It's a time of examining expectations and struggling with defining the new relationships being formed. Feelings are confusing, complicated and surprising. These emotions can escalate and become overwhelming and paralyzing. When this happens, people often put up walls and back away. This begins stage four: Limbo.
4.) LIMBO:
It's one side who pulls away, leaving the other side to "tread on eggs" wondering what's happening; adoptee or bmom can step back, but it's rare for both to want distance; many, many issues are at the forefront. Key: When a person chooses limbo, what is really going on? Processing. Person needs time to sort out new emotions, work through the past, decide what he/she wants to have happen, set boundaries and define the relationship. Making demands on the person choosing limbo for a greater, closer relationship may only serve to widen the gap between adoptee and bmom.
5.) RECONCILIATION:
Final stage without a definitive starting point; can start years after the first encounter; this is a solitary experience. Bmom and adoptee confront issues, deal with losses, and move on. Decisions are made about how the new person will be assimilated; choice may be made to have an ongoing relationship or continue on alone. Problems arise when the two sides choose different paths. This phase is continual and includes setting goals.
>From the 1994 NY Triad Conference
Possible Adoptee Fears
1. That they will find their birth mother deceased.
2. That they will be rejected.
3. That their adoptive parents will be devastated and not understand why they are searching and that he/she will not be able to share with them or will be rejected by them.
4. That they are a secret and their birth mother will not acknowledge their existence to herself or her family.
5. That they will not meet the expectations of their birth mother.
6. That the birth family will be needy (it doesn't expound on whether they mean emotionally needy or monetarily needy)
7. That the birth mother will not be truthful.
8. That the birth mother will not understand his/her life problems.
9. That the timing or method of contact will not be right.
10. That they will hurt their adoptive or birth family by saying the wrong thing.
11. That they will find out negative things about their birth and surrender.
12. That they will have to give up their fantasies.
Possible Birth Parent Fears
1. That their child has not been told he/she is adopted.
2. That the child is not alive.
3. That they will be rejected by their child, lack of understanding.
4. That they will be rejected by the adoptive parents.
5. Indifference.
6. That the birth father will be given more credit than due him or recieves more attention than the birth mother.
7. That they will find a sickly child.
8. That they will find an unfavorable situation.
9. That the separation pain and anxiety will never go away.
10. That the adoptive parents' needs will come before the birth parents' needs.
11. That an "older" placement child's reaction to being surrendered will be negative memories of time together and then separation.
12. That they will be hurt their child by coming back into his/her life.
13. That something "bad" will happen to her present children.
14. That there will be punishment.
15. That they will hurt the adoptee or adoptive parents by saying the wrong thing.
16. That they will not live up to their child's expectations.
17. That their child will not understand the reasons for their surrender.
18. That the search will be unsuccessful.
Possible Adoptive Parents Fears
1. That they will lose their child to the birth parents.
2. That the birth family will be younger and more attractive to their child.
3. That they or their children will be rejected.
4. That the birth parent is deceased.
5. That the birth parent has a problematic lifestyle.
6. That the birth parent will have trouble accepting the adoptees problems.
7. That the adoptee will "act out" towards the birth parent.
8. That the reunion will be harmful for everyone.
9. That they will be blamed for the adoptees problems.
10. That they won't live up to the birth parents expectations.
11. That the birth parents will have health problems or be "needy".
12. That there will be a lack of honesty. 13. That they will hurt the birth parents by saying the wrong thing.
14. That there will be no commitment to ongoing relationships.
15. That the timing of the reunion will not be good.
16. That the search will be negative.
17. That the adoptee will feel guilty and/or responsible for the birth parents problems.
18. That the adoptee will not share the reunion with them.
19. That the birth parent will take a minor child.
(C) All rights reserved BMU 2001-2007
A Birthmother's Christmas
By Shonna K.
It was the night before Christmas
and all through the world
Birthmothers were praying
for their precious boys and girls.
One certain Birthmother
Was trying not to mourn
For this Christmas was the first
Since her baby had been born
Knowing her decision
Was one for the best
She lights a candle in memory
Then sits down to rest.
The wick of the candle
flickers with light
The wind outside is howling
She finds little comfort on this lonely night
For this is the first of many
She will feel this great loss
For her child reaps the benefit,
She simply pays the cost
She takes out an old album
And gently dusts off the cover
It is all she has left
To feel like a mother.
She treasures each photo
of her little one
They are her only ties
To her precious son.
Silently a tear
Slips down her cheek
She wipes it away quickly
So she doesn't appear weak.
Christmas will never
be the same again
She will always be thinking
of her little man.
She knows through her pain
For him this was right
But her unselfless deed
Gives little comfort that night.
Her arms are still empty
Her heart is still breaking
He is with somebody else
And she is left aching.
Her heart sits on each page
Of that dusty book
In his eyes, his little face
The way that he looks.
The clock strikes midnight
It is officially Christmas morn
The first that he's had
Since the day he was born
She can't hide her pain
She can't hide her tears
This is the first of many
Long, painful years
But the light that she sees
At the end of all this
Is the smile on his face
He is truly blessed
With that thought
She slowly readies for bed
To sleep all night
Dreams of him in her head
She slowly lays down
And heads off to sleep
Knowing his memory
She will always keep.!!!
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Lucy Franklin, CPAC
Go to Nav. links and click on Hope I
Then Hope II for Healing Of
Post-Adoption
Effects!!!
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