Heal???? Am I Healed? Daily I Heal!
I have to admit there was a time in my own life I would have said NO! No way, this is to traumatic, to painful. How in the world could anyone be healed of the Post-Traumatic Syndrome of placing ones baby for adoption. Rather you made the choice to place, or someone made that choice for you. What you feel following placement, can only be understood by another birthmother. No one can imagine, or say they know what you/we feel. Unless they walked in our shoes. Until I researched and studied adoption, in many different aspects, the birthmothers feelings, the adoptee's feelings, also I studied adoption biblically. Did I start to find answers? Not until I got down on my knees and cried out to God and said, I can't handle this anymore! You are much bigger than I am father. I give it to you God. I have had enough, show me the way out of the darkness. That was the turning point to healing.
I had had depressive illness prior to conceiving my b/daughter. But the Trauma of the separation for me was more than I could bare. I was predisposed to have Bipolar Illness genetically from my mother. But, little did I know that I would soon be on a roller-coaster ride of highs and lows following placement. Still I didn't tell anyone about the placement of my daughter for many many years. It was just not talked openly about in society. Adoption was talked openly by society, but the birthmother was forgot quickly in the process. I just find that appalling. How insensitive, How could society, (I am not saying all think this way) think the way they do. When the circumstances of the birthmothers are all different. We are just like any other woman, we conceived and bore a little God given miracle. God had a plan for this little one, Though we can't understand his ways, nor will we ever know his ways till we go to heaven. He is always looking out for our best interest and the baby we carried. This brings me back to Healing. You have a choice in your healing. To accept your life's journey as a daily learning experience. Or wallow, for day's or months or years in deep grief, or depression.
The choice is yours. Now what are you going to do? Those that placed years ago like I. What are you going to do with this pain?
Are you going to hold onto it? Are you going to say to me, I don't Believe in God. I have heard that one in post-adoption counseling that I do here in my home town. Well, I can tell you he believes in YOU! He hasn't given up on you! You might doubt his existence but he never doubted yours because he created you, Psalms 139:13
13 For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother's womb.
14 I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful,
I know that full well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you
when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
16 your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me
were written in your book
before one of them came to be
You can be healed. Take some baby steps, feel the pain, don't run from it. Go to God in quite time and pray and thank him for his unconditional love and mercy. Your on your way! You can do it!
