HOPEI

Part I

Recovery, Is it humanly possible you ask? But, I hurt so bad! How could I have placed my son/daughter for adoption? I have lost hope. How did I get myself in this situation? It feels like I will never get over the grief of my placement. I am drowning in a roller coaster of emotions! I feel like there is now a hole in my heart! I was told that it would be easy to move on with my life, that I would get over the separation quite quickly and move on. I have heard all of these statements from many birth mothers that I have counseled in the past. As a reunited birth mother myself I have felt and thought the very same things that you have.

Healing is a choice my friend. We can choose to stay stuck in old destructive patterns, or choose to move on into a new healthy self of mental health. In this workbook you are going to start at the beginning of your pregnancy and take a journey to now, of self exploration. You are now embarking on getting to know yourself like never before. Get excited! You will find out- Who you were, Who you became, Who you are now, and what you want and need now and in the future! So lets get started! I am excited to help you complete your journey of H.O.P.E.- Healing of Post-Adoption Effects. H.O.P.E. Is a Christian Post-Adoption recovery workbook. I personally have never been able to do much on my own in the healing area. With God all things! ALL THINGS are possible!!! You are the King's Daughter you are royalty! Your Father in Heaven wants the very best for his children.

Matthew 19:26

Jesus looked at them and said, "With man this is impossible, but with God all things are possible."

Matthew 7:7

"Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you.

Psalms 39:7 "But now, Lord, what do I look for?

My hope is in you.

Journaling is very healthy and empowering. Now we begin to write about what occurred then. Answer questions below:

My Pregnancy

How old were you when you found out you were pregnant?

What were your feelings then, now? Explain here:

What happened when I told my boyfriend/ or husband,

Did you have support? Explain it here, Or were you betrayed?

Telling my family about my pregnancy?

What happened? Did you have support?

Was this a crisis pregnancy? Explain:

When did you decide adoption was your personal option? Explain:

Was placing your decision? Elaborate here,

If coercion existed.

Explain in detail who was forcing you to place

your baby for adoption.

My Pregnancy was? Your feelings on the being pregnant,

your personal journey:

My Adoption

My placement was a closed adoption/semi-open

adoption/open adoption?

Type Of Adoption? Private? Or Agency: Explain here:

Did you have pre/and post-adoption placement counseling?

Explain here:

How am I feeling right now about the placement that I chose?

Explain here. (Note: You might have just placed, You might be 5 years

into placement, or years following placement.)

Express yourself in detail here:

Where do you see yourself in the post-placement process right now?

Severely Depressed, Mourning,Grieving? Stuck?

Coping? Okay? Moving forward? Explain?

What do you think your bson/or daughter would hope for

their birth mothers life to be like?

– You are their Angel Bringer of Life?

Right now, if you are stuck in grief,

stuck and its many weeks or months or even years later,

Think about it two fold. After placement you wanted

the very very best for your child.

Your b/son or b/daughter would want you to

have a good healthy life.

You are responsible for this choice.

If you are stuck, Lets explore the feelings and thoughts

or behaviors that are keeping you

from moving on and achieving a healthy balanced life. Explain here:

If you are in a closed adoption or semi/open adoption

do you someday want to reunite with your bson/or daughter?

Explain your thoughts and feelings on this here. Hopes, desires??

Healing

Here we will explore your mental state as of now. Where are you on the radar map towards healing? I have always believed one must go through any major event in there life, And when I say go through it. You MUST feel each emotion to the core relating to the situation. Don't run, don't hide, Most of all DON'T deny! When we deny we go into denial. You must go through anything to reach the other side. You will not reach the other side by suppressing these emotions mentally. If you do, They begin to come out in you physically as well as mentally. In the form, of headaches, stomach aches, depression, anorexia, bulimia, agoraphobia. Also, birth mothers have reported developing agoraphobia, And having lack of social skills or desire to be in social activities. Marital and relationship problems are also quite often found in birth mothers that have not healed from placement. This all is understandably so! It is a major major decision that last a life time. But, today the adoption arena is a far cry healthier in my opinion than days of old I am referring to adoptions done in the 1920's till 1985 most were closed adoptions.

Who can give you complete healing: God!

Acts 3:16

By faith in the name of Jesus, this man whom you see and know was made strong. It is Jesus' name and the faith that comes through him that has given this complete healing to him, as you can all see.

Psalms 33:20

20 We wait in hope for the LORD; he is our help and our shield.

Are you depressed right now? Explain:

Y or N? Answer to the following below.

Crying jags? ____ Sad? ________

Lack of motivation? _____ Mixed Moods? _________

Loss of appetite? _____ New Job? ____

Increased appetite? _____ Want to reunite someday? ____

Strained family relationships?______ Already reunited? ____

Married?_________ Will search? _____

Divorced?__________ Searching Now? ______

Mourning?________

What keeps me stuck? Elaborate here- ( Understand that being a birth mother is a life long journey. But, NO one should stay in and immobilized state of mind, as if it is a life sentence!

What does God want for you??? As the Psalmist says:

Psalm 5:11

But let all who take refuge in you be glad; let them ever sing for joy. Spread your protection over them, that those who love your name may rejoice in you

Write here what is holding you back from your healing be honest? Have you forgiven yourself?

Do you need to? Are there others you need to forgive that played key roles in your

adoption placement decision? (Note: example - I had to forgive myself.

.. I had beaten myself up for years for not being the one able to

provide for her at the time of her birth)

You say but Lucy, you don't understand. Wrong, answer. I do because I am you. I walked your shoes. I've been through making and adoption plan, placing, post-adoption grief and now I am in post-reunion.

Praise God! For he never put on me more than I could handle. Because I always seeked him, As the great Billy Graham stated “On my knees we are the most powerful force on earth.” ___Billy Graham (AMEN! Billy! AMEN!)

I would go to God through Jesus Christ, On bent knee crying out to the Lord using the tears he gave me to release my pain. I would for days and years on end till I found my daughter seek his guidance. With great Faith and acceptance I would wait on him to answer my prayers. Often the answers came quickly, with relief from my pain. With my acceptance of the placement. I went on and was successful in business. Successful in my second marriage, that I am still blessed with today. A successful step mother. Now I am in a successful reunion. With God's healing's all over it! I never doubted this would happen for me. For I said to my creator. Lord, someday please let me see her again. I accept your will. Please Father, be it here on earth or heaven. I will accept your will. The Lord chose for me to see her on earth on her 19th birthday! Is God good or what?

Please read my testimony here at www.birthmothersunite.com

John 16:20

I tell you the truth, you will weep and mourn while the world rejoices. You will grieve, but your grief will turn to joy

What would it take for me to move on? Write here your inner-most feelings/ What is holding you back? Could it be yourself? It's time to let go and LET GOD!

If you were to Let go and Let God. What do you think your out come would be?

Life isn't always fair. Bad things happen to good people! God's ways are not our ways. But, he doesn't want you to suffer through your journey in this “Life”. For you have so much to complete in your earthly quest, till he calls you home. So please my friend don't waste it stuck in so much emotional pain.

“Blessed be God...who comforted us in all our tribulation, that we may be able to comfort them which are in any trouble, by the comfort... we ourselves are comforted of God.” 2 Corinthians 1:3-4

Remember these scriptures for healing:

“Thy word is a lamp unto my feet, and a light unto my path.”

Psalms 119:105

“The Lord is the strength of my life, of whom shall I be afraid?” Psalms 27:1

“By faith we understand that the worlds were framed by the word of God, so that the things which are seen were not made of things which are visible.” Hebrews 11:3

H. O. P. E.

“What oxygen is to the lungs, such is hope to the meaning of life!” -- Emil Brunner

“Blessed is the man that trust in the Lord, and whose hope the Lord is.” Jeremiah 17:7

L. O. V. E.

“ And walk in love, as Christ also hath loved us, and hath given himself for us...” Ephesians 5:2

Do's and Don'ts of Reunion

I have learned.........

1.Do Lower your expectations (This is all new to you and your birth/son or bdaughter.)

2.Do be honest/ Tell the truth of why placement was your choice for birth/son or bdaughter

3. Do assure your birth/son or daughter that you loved them then, and do now!

4. Do accept your rightful place in your birth/son or daughters life. (Remember they didn't have a choice.) In there minds there Adoptive Parents are there Parents. (We are just there Angel Bringers of Life!) Understand I do not mean this in a bad way, Many birthmothers had horrible circumstances that when they placed it was NOT there choice. Choice or not. We must be the Adults and respect there loyalty and love for there a-parents. I personally am very grateful and I feel my daughters parents are my Angels.

Don't get me wrong. I had a lot of I wishes after reunion with my daughter. The wish that I could turn back the clock, and I could have been the one that took care of her every need. But I accept that at that time in my life. I couldn't, I was not able. God provided what I couldn't. At that time in my life.

5. Do seek Christian counseling. While going through the reunion process. Counseling did help me. To keep focused on the issues that we faced in the reunion process.

Dont's

1.Don't put unrealistic expectations on your birth/son or daughter.

2. Don't shower your birth/son or daughter with gifts. To make up for lost time. (I did this.) It is not necessary.

They only want your love.

3.Don't be exploited.

4. Don't get caught up in the past! The past is history. If you haven't moved on and healed. Seek your healing NOW you owe it to yourself and bson or bdaughter for the future of your reunion depends on this.

5. Don't meddle Let them tell you what they want you to know or not to know.

6. Don't smother the relationship. Treat the birth/son or daughter as the adult they are. (This is hard for us birth mothers for it is very traumatic for us to see our babies, then place and reunite years later and they are adults.) That really caused me a lot of grief. But I learned it was pent up inside for so long, I had to release it. This I did after she went home I cried healing tears for 3 months. Excessive, well I thought at first. But found God comforts those who mourn.He does bring them joy! Only he can bring.

My Reunion

Describe your feelings, and thoughts here, when you first saw your bson/or bdaughter face to face?

What happened when you shared your adoption stories.

Emotions felt, Emotions saw, thoughts. Explain here.

How long was your first face to face reunion?

Hours, Days, and share here what you all did together. Who was present?

What did you like most about your reunion with your bson/or bdaughter?

What did you dislike most about your reunion?

If you have been in reunion for sometime now. How is it going for you? Describe in detail:

Congratulations my sister in Christ! You made it through your healing journey Part I of H.O.P.E. I praise you for having the desire and courage to seek what is rightfully yours! Peace of mind. God wants you to be happy, productive, and enjoying life to the fullest. Now, move on to Part II of H.O.P.E.

Please email me at birthmothers@aol.com

I would love to hear any comments you have or questions.

Sincerely, Lucy Franklin, C.P.A.C.

Hope Part II "Click Here"